The Rainbow Heart campaign was created with a firm belief in the power of telling our stories: stories of acceptance of our queer identity – by ourselves or by others. The first edition of this compilation has eight heartwarming stories: ‘Dear Little Brown Gay Boy, You Are Enough’, by Aditya Tiwari, is the second story in this series.
They say God gives his toughest battles to his strongest soldiers, and what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
As much as anyone can say how invincible I seem, how fearless I am, or how brave I must be, I’m still human. I’ve seen things and dealt with more pain than some will deal with in their entire lives, and all before the age of even being able to buy a fucking drink at a bar. But I have to be strong, not just for myself, but for a greater purpose, because I feel like my duty is far beyond me, you know? Beyond saving my family. It’s for the world. Because somebody out there really needs to hear this. So to anybody who isn’t here to see how far I’ve gone or how far I’ve yet to go; To family members that didn’t make it, friends I lost along the way, or maybe someone I gave my heart to who didn’t know what to do with it:
You should be here.
As I’m entering a new paradigm of life, it feels nostalgic, almost like yesterday, that time when all of it started – the first day of school. I miss school now as the time has passed. And though, when I was in school, I didn’t like it as much as I do now, and that is because I was the most talked about person in my school. It was probably because I was a little different than usual, or a unicorn, you may say. It was a time in my life when I was completely shattered and broken, but I guess everything happens for a reason; If all this had not happened, I would have never become the person I am today.
Yes, I faced bullying on a large scale. I had been constantly bullied for four years and for three years normal than usual. And I’ve always wondered why, why?
It seemed so hard for people to treat each other with kindness… But eventually, I realized that we live in a bizarre and a complicated, mean world, where kindness was too much for people to afford to give. While other children made new friends, I used to stand in the corridor all by myself. I always stood with a smile on my face, even if people came to throw shade at me, or in other words, embarrass me in front of others. They used to hit, kick, and pinch me. There were also times when they’d spit on me, and moreover, made mean or rude hand gestures. All of this was really scary for me, but I didn’t let it break me even for a second. I used to cry all alone but never showed my tears to anyone, and have never even told anybody.
I remember one incident from 6th grade. I had two friends, good friends, like really good good friends. Until I realized that they were perfect little human wrecks. They told me that they could not afford to be friends with me because I was too flamboyant. They also said that if they continued to be friends with me, people would bully them as well. They left me at the corridor, wondering. I didn’t even know what people were talking about or anything, but that was totally unacceptable for me and so I was left to cry. I guess I’ve faced almost everything a person can go through, and even worse. I remember they would threaten me to cause harm: calling me names, attacking me physically and verbally during classes. Teasing, taunting, inappropriate sexual comments, and telling other children not to be friends with me. So even if there were times when a new admission came, they used to tell those kids not to talk to me.
Once, in 8th grade, while playing ‘truth or dare’ at a tuition class, a classmate gave me a dare to mimic an Avril Lavigne song. He secretly made a video of me and made it viral that evening on Facebook. And when I logged onto Facebook that night, I was horrified. Everybody in my school had seen that video, from juniors to seniors, and I found a lot of hate comments against me which was heart saddening. That night I cried lying on my bed, but then gathered myself up, and went to school the next day. It felt like everyone was staring at me in the morning, during the assembly, laughing and giggling. People would then come to me during classes and lunchtime to insult me, for days.
And yet… I think the positive part was that after leaving my old school, I discovered who I really was as a person, and all those wounds just made me a better person. Not for others, but for myself.
A whole year after leaving my old school, I had decided to go meet my old school mates and show them the new me. “The brand new me”. I was about to start a new chapter in my life, but I couldn’t start a new one until I could complete the previous one. SO, I finally met everyone at a party. And they were all kinda astonished… and kinda guilty. People came to me, and told me that they were very ashamed of themselves that they never came and talked to me in school etc. And I said that everything happened for a reason. They kinda adored me. Most of them did. I was happy to see myself as a strong person. I had realized that it’s really important to teach yourself to be confident, because once you do that, you are ready to conquer the world. Because clouds will always try to diminish the suns brilliance, but the sun never stops shining.
I still have a lot to face in this life, but there are so many amazing people who inspire me. I know life is beautiful. I’ll always appreciate little things in life and appreciate how precious every day is. I would never stop spreading love and happiness like a spring full of joy. I will always remember where I came from. Positivity is my protective shield. I think that now that it’s 2016, people need to open their mind, not their mouth. I’m just in love with this crazy beautiful life… And I know nothing is as it seems.
Life’s just been like a tidal wave of the ocean; ups and downs, happy and sad. People should always be happy. And do not chance it. Life is short to be broken and sad. Yes, But the question is… what about those half-men, hardly half-living… they have lost someone, their dreams are not fulfilled, someone is missing in their lives. How can they be happy? It’s just a matter of thinking. I know it’s hard to be happy when you’re in so much of sorrow. But, rather than living a life full of sorrow, it’s better to live a happy life. It’s just that people who lose their hope need to be reunited with it again. It’s just that they themselves need to teach themselves how to shine again, even when they’re surrounded with dark, dull skies.
I have been broken, but I am shining so bright today. If I can do it, anyone can. I want people to be able to call themselves a warrior. It’s actually about how a bad experience from the past can be a good memory and can make you strong. I’m flawed and you’re flawed, everyone of us is flawed. But when you discover who you are as a person and accept your flaws which make you different and beautiful, You shine through everything. Today, it is a major part of my life. I’ve touched so many people’s hearts. I’m so grateful. I will always remember where I come from.
To conclude, I would just say: Honey, you can’t stop me. I’m not going anywhere. It’s all as per god’s plan.
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Queer Infocus | July 2020
The Beginning, Middle and End: A Tryst with Depression